Men I Currently Love...And One Woman I Can't Get Out Of My Head

So, OK, I'll admit to having a celebrity crush or two. Or several. Why not? I've seen plenty of crappy movies just to get a look at them. So I'll just 'fess up already.



Yes, I have a massive crush on Prince. When I went to see him in Nashville, I purposely put myself far away from the stage so I wouldn't end up on the Nashville 6:00 Evening News. Sister actually called me back in the mid-90s and said "Joy!! Prince is getting married in Paris tomorrow! If we hurry, we can stop it." I declined. Partly because that's just too over-the-top romantic for me, but also because I knew him well enough to know that he was not, in fact, going to Paris. That's just a publicity ruse to get the groupies off his tail. He did get married in Minneapolis to a woman whose name was my nickname in high school. Irony bit me in the butt. And then, when he converted to being a Jehovah's Witness, well, that was extremely ironic. But I understood his album Rainbow Children like probably nobody else did. :D I also know that he converted just to please his mother's dying wish, and that anyone with half a brain can listen to the last couple of albums and figure out that he's not serious about this religion--he knows how to flirt well. Then he divorced his latest wife (wonder how the JWs are going to handle that with their celebrity double standards??); I haven't asked him about it, but he knows he can always call. I hear things though.



What lady wouldn't like Capt. Jack Sparrow?! When he practically oozed out, "Pirate!" to Kiera Knightley in the last movie he did, that answered some personal questions for me, I won't lie. Apparently part of my problem is that I want a pirate, too. Or maybe I just like the swashbuckling. He could unbuckle my swash anytime! I even sat through the disgusting visuals of The Libertine to watch him. Nobody does syphillis like Johnny Depp. I've loved him since Benny & Joon.



OK, Joseph Fiennes has this intellectual sexuality that I haven't seen since Harrison Ford. And Jude Law here is just too cute under all that grime to be believable. I don't like "cute," I like "sexy." And so I love watching Joseph Fiennes. When he seems upset, I want to slap the girl that made him feel that way. I don't care if I'm the only person who thought Shakespeare in Love was hot. My absolute favorite movie with him in it, though, was Enemy at the Gates. Maybe that's also because I have a mild obsession with war, and it had fascists and a cute older German guy, and proletariates and a whole lotta stuff that you don't need to know that I like. Suffice it to say it was a nice marriage of ideas for me...



Ooooh, girl, don't stop! I love Neve Campbell. And I've seen some pretty stupid movies to get to watch her. I knew it was love when I watched Wild Things and was trying to look around Denise Richards' tits to see Neve. She seems very natural as an actress, and I like that. But I will admit that she looks like a certain brunette from 11 years ago named Kathy, who, apparently everybody knew was gay but me. In my defense, she was very hot-warm-cold, and I did go home with her on fall break because I wanted to find out what her actual temperature was. If she'd have said go, I would've already been there. But it doesn't help when the Nigerian exchange student who is a prince in his home country puts his consoling arm around your shoulder and says, "Oh, honey, everybody know she gay..."

--Virgil

P.S. I just realized they all kind of look alike--dark headed, dark eyed. Hmmm...