News from Numbnutsville

Recently, El Hijo and I were giggling that I should really post little excerpts from my hometown rag of a newspaper, the Advocate (which of course advocates for nothing in particular). My cousin actually writes the sports columns, which are howlers both in content and grammatical deliciousness, since he mixes evangelical beliefs with, say, football or drag racing. I may post some of those later. But for now, here are some typical news stories from the little Appalachian town that was built on a swamp.

Mom, Daughter Stab Each Other

Apparently, cops were called to the trailer park in a place appropriately titled "Dogtown" where the mom and the daughter (51 and 32, respectively) had gotten loaded on alcohol and then got in an argument that resulted in a "non-life-threatening" injury to both. They were then taken to jail (probably in the same cell) and given ten days and a $143 fine. Lol. I knew the daughter, too.

Here's a gem from this week's paper:

Cops Charge Gray Man With Attempted Assault With Fork

Gray being an area in the county, not a man who is literally gray, of course. This numbnut assaulted his live-in girlfriend, fled cops on foot, ran into a Pizza Hut and "allegedly tried to attack the manager with a fork." The article does not indicate the man was trying to rob the place, merely that he attemped to fork the manager. I've been in that Pizza Hut before. I'm pretty sure it was a fucking spork, anyway.

And oh, what the hell. Here's a piece of my delightful cousin's sports column. I'll repeat that it is, in fact, a sports column.

"Christmas has come and gone, and I hope everyone got what they wanted for Christmas. Most of all I hope Jesus wasn't taken out of Christmas. Many churches have some great plays, however, I still have to say the best play, I've ever seen or been a part of was the Easter play a few years back at Dripping Springs Baptist Church. Not only do I hope Jesus wasn't taken out of Christmas, I hope you put him first in 2009, just not on Easter or Christmas! [...] Union College made their first appearance in the NAIA College World Series. Lyn Camp Lady Cats won the 51st District Championship for the first time and the Lynn Camp Wildcats advanced to the semi-finals of the regional tournament in basketball."

The cognitive dissonance you're feeling right about now will be excused. It's a normal feature of this column. Good lord.

And my cousins wonder why I don't express a desire to go back.

-- DV