Smurf Me A Jehovah's Witness Tweet!

Well, looks like the Jay-Dubs have made a technological stride forward by joining Twitter. Now they can tweet Jehovah's word to unsuspecting Twitter users -- and count "time in the field" to boot! Honestly, looking at some of the tweets, they are soooo representative of the religio-babble that JW's are famous for and so personally familiar to me. But now, in the bright light of over a decade of being free from their brainwashing, it just seems ridiculous and hilarious. Take J_Witness for example. Here is a choice tweet in response to BibleAlsoSays:

@BibleAlsoSays Stop being a tool of Satan. You need to seek the kingdom, this is not about us, it is about doing Jehovahs will.

LOL. "Tool" of Satan. The only "tool" right now is this JW being a douchebag to someone else. Also, "seeking the kingdom" is such a wonderfully nebulous phrase. To JWs it means joining their religion, of course, since people seeking God's kingdom elsewhere are simply doing it wrong. There really aren't too terribly many of them on Twitter. If you want a good sampling, check out jwforum. They report the "news" about JWs. The Good News, actually, if I might make a pun. They don't report the bad news. That's light that comes from a curious black bulb, not the "light that keeps getting brighter" (and appears to have blinded) the members of the Society.

If you scan their followers, you'll find quite a number of porn twitterers as part of their "followers." This is comedic on so many levels, for one because other JWs presumably searching for JWs on Twitter will find JWForum, hit the followers link looking for Twitter buddies and be "tempted" by all that porn. It's funny on another level because so many JW followers do, in fact, sneak porn on a regular basis. So I suppose it's appropriate in some way. It's rather hilarious to find JehovahsPromise listed right next to MeHottyNaughty. Some JW Twitterers just post bible verses. That's it. Some just tweet their lives, like most of us do.

But for serious shits and giggles, (Brunnhilde, where are you dear??) you have GOT to check out JehovahSmurf.

People who used to be JWs or around them in some way are already laughing by now. I'll fill the rest of you lucky people in on why. Jehovah's Witnesses' relationship to Smurfs is the kind of thing you won't find written anywhere in official doctrine, but is rather one of those urban legends that have spread so that every JW, former and present, in the USA at least knows about Smurfs. To sum it up, Jehovah hates Smurfs. Not only does Jehovah hate Smurfs, but Smurfs are actually demonic. You see, at some congregation, let us call it Congregation Ground Zero, someone passed along the idea that Smurfs were actually representative of dead babies. This story was expanded to include aborted babies, smothered babies, however you like -- they're blue and they're little, so they must be dead babies. Then you have that Gargamel, who is a wizard -- already a strike against the Smurfs. But the biggest clue is Gargamel's cat, Azriel. Now, you may not have known this, so brace yourselves, people. But Azriel is a form of Azrael -- and Azrael is the Hebrew word for .... Angel of DEATH!!! Both Gargamel and Azriel want to eat Smurfs when they're caught, which has bizarre implications that even this symbolism junkie can't really decode properly. But suffice it to say, clearly the Smurfs are demonic.

But it gets better. On top of this grade-A Smurf analysis floats the urban myth that every JW knows like it's doctrine: the day the stuffed Smurf came to life in the Kingdom Hall and proved its demon possession beyond the shadow of any doubt! This happened to a friend of a friend (and every JW knows a friend who knew a friend this happened to, so it must be true). The story goes like this. One night, a little kid brought its stuffed Smurf to the Kingdom Hall (probably to help it get to sleep during those boring meetings). At some point during the meeting, presumably because the word "Jehovah" was said too many times, the Smurf suddenly comes to life. JWs believe that demons cannot stand the actual name of Jehovah, although it is unclear to doubters whether they don't like every incarnation and language of His Name, or just the JW English version "Jehovah." But upon hearing the name once to many times, the Smurf pops off the chair and says, depending on the story, "I'm sick of this shit." Or, "Fuck this shit." Or just, "Fuck. Shit. Goddamn. Shit. Fuck." It then heads towards the door, cursing the whole way, where presumably some elder or ministerial servant lets it out into the parking lot. Upon reaching the parking lot, still cursing (imagine it tottering away, the "Fuck. Shit. Goddamn." growing fainter and fainter) it bursts into flames. The End.

So that's why Smurfs were frowned on in the congregation. Or perhaps the entire story is one big excuse for JWs to find a chance to curse in public. I don't know. The story is immortalized in the ex-JW biography I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales of a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing by Kyria Abrahams. She lived in Rhode Island, I grew up in Kentucky. We heard the same story.

There were other Smurf stories not so well known, like Smurf print bedspreads that magically came to life, jumped off the sheets and started running around the room. Or, I don't know, you could check your kid for a Ritalin need or something.

But that should tell you why JehovahSmurf is just so very, very, very smurfing funny.

-- DV