The Meme Hurts My Brain

So, Meg tagged me with a meme, which normally I like doing, but this one gave me an unintended stroke. Here's the instructions:

“Devise a list of 5-10 courses you would take to fix your life. It’s more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you’d also like to take. Tag five.”

I thought at first this would be a fun thing to do, and then I realized the thought of taking one. more. class. absolutely put me over the edge. Which isn't Meg's fault, but my school's fault for stressing me out. So, I've decided that apart from picking the one class I'd like to take from Meg's list, part of the meme requirement, I'm going to devise classes that have absolutely no chance of ever becoming classes. It stresses me less to think that there's no way in hell I'll ever be required to take them!

Class 1: Ancient Religions 101. Meg picked this class, and I'd like to sit in on it with her. But I warn you, I can be a bad person to sit next to in class. I keep my own running tallies of made up categories to help me get through long classes or crappy situations. I've been known to make people guffaw in the middle of class, getting them into mild amounts of trouble. I'm also snarky. Basically, I'm the student that every teacher loves and hates to deal with. Some of my colleagues believe that I've scared most of the faculty silly by simply attending class. I've also been known to throw a class into chaos, i.e. recent conference experience, so you may not want to sit next to me. Maybe we'll take different sections and compare notes afterward?

Class 2: Bullshit Detection for Advanced Students. I think I've been through the 101 course, self-taught, in fact. I'm ready for the upperclassmen courses. I also think I could make an easy A. The answer to all the questions is, "Bullshit!"

Class 3: Prancing and Posturing in Translation 205. I can already stomp around and make sure people know I'm dissatisfied with something. I want to know how to put more nuance into my body language. I can currently say "I really don't like what just happened" with my posture. I want to be able to say, "I really don't like what just happened, and you have about a 3 second threshold to fix the problem before Hell comes to visit you personally." I want to be able to say that with one eyebrow alone.

Class 4: Bar Connoisseuring for the Intermediate Student. I'll have to be careful of the section I get in this one. I'm sure there are "karaoke bars", "country western bars", "good ol' boy's bars", "who wants to pick a fight bars", "rich people slumming bars", "gimme a beer and put on Metalica bars", and "swank bars" sections. While I've been in all of these bars, I think I'd prefer the "gimme a beer and put on Metalica bars" section. Hopefully the midterm and the final project will include a service learning/interning assignment. As I've not been thrown out of any bars, I'm still considered an Intermediate student, but I'll speak to my advisor about auditing the advanced section.

Class 5: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. OK, this is actually a legitimate class that I tried to take and sat through during that recent crappy conference. It should've been named 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Presenters. I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do. They rushed through the whole thing because of "time issues". Then pick 3 or 4 of the habits and cover them in detail, instead of trying to cram in the whole thing. You'd better believe I totally ripped into the session on those evaluations we have to do after each one. My best line was, "If this was any representation of Steven Covey's book, then I don't want to purchase it." That'll make everybody sit up and pay attention. I didn't get an Economics degree for nothing!

Class 6: Knocking Some Sense Into Students--Metaphorically, Of Course--for Advanced TA's. My students generally know which way is up, at least as far as my policies are concerned. I've only ever had a few of them argue with me, and that was after the semester was over via email about their final grade. I'm sure you can guess what resulted from that attempt. I've only ever had a marginal classroom disorder issue, and that was at the beginning of this semester from the climate the new group created. I actually teach Knocking Some Sense Into Students 101. I also tutor TA's individually in these issues. ("He said what to you? Send him an email and tell him X!!" Magically, the problem disappears.) However, I need some additional follow-up training on how to help students grab a clue, apart from hitting them with a clue-by-four.

Class 7: Students in Translation. As the second part to the previous class, I need some help on this one. I do not speak student very fluently at all. Some common mistranslation problems: How can they be on campus this long and not know where the computer stations are? What part of "class starts at 11:30" means "class starts when you get here"? What does it mean when you look at me like that? Is your head going to explode? What makes you think I understand IM speak in your emails? All of this is very troubling, and I think my career as an instructor would greatly benefit from figuring out how to translate student. It's tougher than Old English and makes even less sense!


Who I'm Tagging:

Bat Mite!: This meme was created just for him. It couldn't be any better if it said "build your own superhero who can only use household objects for weaponry." I expect great things, sir. Great things.

JP: For his caustic take on graduate school should lead to some pretty amusing classes.

Slop Drop: Just because I'm challenging him to come up with all wrestling related answers to this meme!

Kari: Because she will actually do the right thing with the meme.

And finally, Ramblings of a Procrastinator: because she needs to come and join the party!

-- Virgil