Tutor Trauma

So, my Turkish student, Z, the "little pill" I told you about who I tutored in spoken English, broke up with me. I think.

I'm still not sure what happened, and I'm not sure if I ever will be, given the cultural chances of misunderstanding each other. I don't even know if I'm supposed to be upset. I think I'm ruffled and confused. But I don't think I'm upset.

We both agreed to take a break over the holidays. She was tired, and I had a portfolio to finish, as well as a trip to California. We said we'd pick up next semester. Well, the next thing I know, Director/Buddy sends me an email saying that another tutor has asked for "permission", I guess, to tutor Z because her old tutor didn't have the time for her. Wuh?? So I checked with Z. Turns out this other tutor, T, was her old tutor, and Z would rather just go back to her. Okaaay. That's all you had to say. Why make up the lie that I didn't have time? Especially when she asked for time off?  She sent me a curt little email saying that she'd rather tutor with T, but that she appreciated my help and company and to take care.  I think I was dismissed.

What complicates things is that I thought we were friends, not business partners, if you will.  I've had brunch at her house more times than I can count.  I got her into the university's intensive English program--sat with her, helped her fill out the forms, got her extra classes for free and fronted the money for a class she couldn't afford.  I've taken her and her husband to the store when they didn't have transportation.  I went with her to that dinner thingy in the mosque--I'm pretty sure that's not done for strangers.  We talked about life, husbands, problems, etc.  And now, it's so long, and thanks for all the fish.  I don't get it.

What concerns me is that I have a sneaking suspicion this is about getting something out of the other tutor that she couldn't get out of me.  Before we took our break, Z and her husband asked me to call a certain doctor and see whether or not the doctor would give Z fertility treatments so she could have kids--for free.  They couldn't afford to pay for the miscarriage she had this time last year and had to have their debt covered by a charity.  But they were so desperate for kids, they wanted to know if a doctor would do this for free.  I had deep personal reservations about this.  In my opinion, if you can't even afford the treatment, and you have trouble paying all your bills each month, you can't afford a baby.  How on earth would you pay for all that extra cost??  On top of that, it just seemed deeply immoral to me that in a country where many of the inhabitants don't get free health care for serious illnesses or even preventative treatment, you want to ask for free fertility treatment.  If we're going to give free services, shouldn't we treat people who are desperate first?  

I really tried to keep my personal bias out of it, but maybe it showed somehow.  I like to think I did a good job.  After all, Z is a conservative Muslim of the headscarf wearing variety.  There is a lot we don't agree on, but it never shows.  I'd like to think this didn't show, either, but maybe it did.  I understood, actually, how the culture they came out of looked at having babies (or not being able to), and I understood why they wanted it so badly, especially since I believe she's about 34 or 35 now.  But in the end, it didn't seem to be a smart choice to me.  It actually seemed a little offensive to me.  I tried my hardest not to let it show, though.  I tried to explain to her the way the medical system worked here in the US and her chances of convincing someone to do this for free, considering we look at it as an elective procedure--many insurances won't even cover fertility treatments, so most Americans have to pay out of pocket for that.  They wouldn't listen, and they normally don't listen to me on issues of money and the American culture, even though I would fucking know BETTER than they would, now wouldn't I?  They still believe they can haggle for it, and that's just not really possible here.  I promised her I would call the doctor for her and tell them what she wanted and see what they said.  

I called, I left several messages, I got laughed at.  I told Z the doctor said it wasn't possible.  I left out the part about being laughed at.  So then we take our break, and now Z wants another tutor.  Part of me is suspicious that she just thinks she can get this fertility stuff out of T, where I couldn't.  Trading up, as it were.  Sigh.

I don't know what happened.  She hasn't spoken to me or sent me an email.  I really thought we were closer than that.  In a way, I'm glad I'm not tutoring right now, because I need the extra time to get my conference paper together.  Besides, I'm the faculty advisor for the student group at the university in conjunction with D/B's literacy program.  It's not like I don't have things to work on.

But come on.  We drank tea together.  That practically makes us family.

-- Dante's Virgil