The Great Pyramid Says Jesus Is Coming Back!

For my buddy Justin and others who may (I hope) not be familiar with basic tennents of JW religious philosophy, the "time of the end" or the "last days" is one of their cornerstone doctrines. They believe, in essence, that the time of the end started in 1914, and that Armageddon is literally right around the corner. They also believe they'll see it in their lifetimes. Here's why.

Another one of Charles Taze "Magic Bean" Russell's contributions to the JW's theology is the insistence on pinpointing the exact beginning of the time of the end. I realize how oxymoronic that sounds. In his day, the academic vogue of the time was Egyptology, or the fetishizing of all things Egypt. Scholars and other people enjoyed straining to figure out what the Pyramids may be "telling us." Your typical colonization and hyper-romanticising of another culture. Russell was not above this.

The end of the world focuses on the scriptures in Revelation (and elsewhere) talking about the fight in heaven where Satan was cast down to Earth, how he would roam about for a while (like a man-eating lion--I've always dug men like that), and then Jebus would come back to chain him up for a while longer. Armageddon is the "next" battle between Jebus the White Horse Rider and Satan and His Dirty Demons. I know who I'm betting on.

But for JW's, here's where the end of the world gets really interesting...

From an 1891 book called Thy Kingdom Come:

So, then, if we measure backward down the "First Ascending Passage" to its junction with the "Entrance Passage," we shall have a fixed date to mark upon the downward passage. This measure is 1542 inches, and indicates the year B.C. 1542, as the date at that point. Then measuring down the "Entrance Passage" from that point, to find the distance to the entrance of the "Pit," representing the great trouble and destruction with which this age is to close, when evil will be overthrown from power, we find it to be 3416 inches, symbolizing 3416 years from the above date, B.C. 1542. This calculation shows AD. 1874 as marking the beginning of the period of trouble; for 1542 years B.C. plus 1874 years AD. equals 3416 years. Thus the Pyramid witnesses that the close of 1874 was the chronological beginning of the time of trouble such as was not since there was a nation -- no, nor ever shall be afterward. And thus it will be noted that this "Witness" fully corroborates the Bible testimony on this subject...

You'll be excused if at this point your going "Huuhhr??" There was even a fold out chart of this shit. That's what you get when you're taken over by lawyers and judges (more on that in another post). And nuts. JW's love symbolism. That's why I became an English major: research plus symbolism divided by bizarre upbringing equals an interesting viewpoint.

But wait! We start to think after 25 years of this pyramid crap that maybe that's not the right answer. So the Watchtower magazine in the November 15, 1928 issue prints this:

If the pyramid is not mentioned in the Bible, then following its teachings is being led by vain philosophy and false science and not following after Christ.

and this:

It is more reasonable to conclude that the great pyramid of Gizeh, as well as the other pyramids thereabout, also the sphinx, were built by the rulers of Egypt and under the directions of Satan the Devil... Then Satan put his knowledge in dead stone, which may be called Satans' Bible, and not God's stone witness...

But...but...!!! Doesn't that mean that Russell was led by Satan in establishing this crap?? Not a word of that was ever mentioned...In fact, by the 50's, they were having to instruct their people on how to debunk that particular belief to other people who were told about it by a generation of previous JW's. Blech. What a mess.

So, how do we get to 1914? A bunch of different ways. Choose which path you like best. But, here's how it originally happened. Jumping off of the 1874 Pyramid crap, they did some more fuzzy math in their Watchtower magazines:

The Millennium of peace and blessing would be introduced by forty years of trouble, beginning slightly in 1874 and increasing until social chaos should prevail in 1914 A.D.

and

We see no reason for changing the figures--nor could we change them if we would. They are, we believe, God's dates, not ours. But bear in mind that the end of 1914 is not the date for the beginning, but for the end of the time of trouble.

and for those idiots who dare to doubt, from a 1904 Watchtowerwer question/answer segment:

Question -- If the "Times of the Gentiles" can be changed as suggested in the July Tower, so that the anarchy will follow 1914 A.D., instead of preceding it, might not similar changes be made in respect to all the various lines of prophetic time proof set forth in Millennial Dawn, Vols. II and III?

Answer. --- You are entirely in error. Not a figure, not a date, not a prophecy is in any sense or degree affected by the article to which you refer. Indeed the harmony and unity of the whole is the more fully demonstrated...The harmony of the prophetic periods of the correctness of out Bible chronology. They fit together like the cog-wheels of a perfect machine. To change the chronology even one year would destroy all this harmony, -- so accurately are the various proofs drawn together in the parallels between the Jewish and Gospel ages.

Just as you may suspect, they had already been backpedalling in some "article to which you refer", and someone with half a brain cell had caught it.

That spells some trouble for those who were supposed to head toward heaven at that time.....(next episode)

--Virgil