A Long, Unburdening (At Least For Me) Post

I've learned several things from running a blog for about a year now. I've learned that you can meet people who aren't psychos and with whom you might have a lot in common. I found out that people are looking for answers to the same issues that I face, and they need outlets to talk about it and to browse secretly without having to reveal themselves. I've discovered that you can put incredibly personal issues on the net, and by virtue of never really having to look at someone in the face, you get support and honest responses that are oftentimes just as helpful as coming from those in-the-flesh people I trust and know. You also get to rant and bitch and unleash your own little piece of hell, which is better than letting it simmer inside.

I would like to share something personal over the net, because I think that talking and writing about things is how I express and work out my own problems. But also because I need the outlet, the support, and by extension, maybe someone else can benefit, too.

We made a really difficult decision recently. Sister is moving in with us. No one who knows her reads this blog, so I think it's safe to talk about it. But if it freaks her out, this post will likely come down. Sister has been extremely depressed recently. Since November of last year, actually. She suffers from massive depressive disorder and possibly a couple of other things, and has for a long time, but for some unexplainable reason, she had a big relapse in November. She even had to go on short term disability from work for a while and spend some serious therapy time in the local treatment center. Although she is somewhat recovered from that period of time, she still harbors really dark thoughts. And she's just plain, old unhappy. She carries a lot of debt from her ex-husband, and while she has a job, she's finding it really hard to make ends meet. She's 27.

So, I thought that it would be a good idea to ask her to come up here. She wouldn't have the burden of rent and utilities, and what money she made could, for once, go to paying down debt. On top of that, she could go to the university here, when she was ready. Going to school has always been a dream for her. She never went after high school. It's an opportunity. A crossroads, in a lot of ways. But not just for her, for us as well.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet,
And whither then? I cannot say.

- J.R.R.Tolkien

It's a hard thing to take someone into your home when you aren't related to them, and my husband very courageously took a big gulp of air and said, "OK." If I were in his place, and it was his sister, I'd have my concerns as well. I love his sisters. But I don't really know them like he does. So I can appreciate his position. But he did it anyway. And any real misgivings or worries he may have, he's keeping to himself and being a supporter of this decision. I'm incredibly thankful.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

- Emily Dickinson

What's really messed up to me, when I sit and think about it, is how isolated we often are in Western culture. We expect our people to go out and live as independent a life as is inhumanly possible. In other cultures, for instance, when a new mother gives birth, all the local women rally around the new mom. She rarely has any responsibilities other than to feed the baby. The other women clean it, clean the house, cook, care for the new mother, and offer advice, usually for six weeks or more. Postpartum depression is nearly unheard of in some cultures. Over here, what do we do? We step back to give the new family "some space." Especially so they can get "some rest." But how do we expect them to get rest with a new baby? We leave them on their own to flounder around, and we expect them to know exactly what to do and never be frustrated. Try it sometime. That ain't how it works.

Giving people "some space" is the first thing we think about doing when almost anything emotionally difficult happens. We stand aside to "let them work it out." What most people need is more not less community. There is such a stigma attached to moving someone in with you, as though the person should be an invalid, or there is something wrong. Or that you are somehow a failure if you have to move in with someone. If we got rid of crappy attitudes like that, I wonder how much closer we would all feel.

Don't get me wrong, I'm scared to death, too. But I miss Sister. I think I need her as much as she needs me. Who's to say a blended household cannot work? To grow and be successful myself, to the point where I am now, I feel empowered that I can hold out my hand to my sister, and watch her step into her potential, as well. Why can't we all find some way to make a life together? To relieve suffering for a little while? What could be greater than that?

-- Virgil