Idiot Boyfriend Rant

Sister has a new boyfriend whom I had the displeasure of meeting over Derby weekend. Well, I can't say as I actually met him. But he sure as hell met me. Why on the face of the green planet women put up with men like him is beyond me. Ol' boy spent 45 minutes with me on Sunday morning after the Derby, and I'm sure he's still pulling the barbs out of his ass. This was the introductory story I got about him:

He's 27 years old and recently quit his job as a doctor (red flag 1 for being that young and being a doctor, red flag 2 for quitting his job) to become a pizza boy for 3 days a week (red flag 3) who moved back in with his parents (normally, a red flag 4) who pledged his undying love to her after knowing her for about 4 days (red flag 5).

To say my eyebrows were raised would be true only if you could imagine them off my actual head and floating above me. There's no way in hell this boy got through med school to be a doctor and then made the brain-damaged choice to quit his job after only 3 months. No worries, I tell Sister. If he's a fake (and at this point I'm convinced he is), I'll find it out at Derby.

We stayed with Sister, and that Friday night at 3:30 in the a.m., ol' boy calls Sister: he's stranded and drunk off his ass at a bar, can he come over. Sister asks if that's OK with me. No. No, it is not. You have company, there's no place for him to be that isn't already occupied, it isn't fair to the people who are still asleep and have no idea what's going on, and who the fuck calls you at 3:30 a.m. when you have company and his ass could get a cab? She says no for every reason except the last one, which would've been the first reason I'd have given him. He yells something about how she didn't care about him and to fuck off; I heard it from where I was in the room. So Sister is upset. I would've been pissed, but she's upset.

He, of course, backs out on Derby the next day. I was actually pretty glad. Director/buddy and I figured that he was probably picking a fight to get out of having to go and meet me. Saturday night, same thing happens. In the wee hours of the morning fuckface calls to report that he is stranded at his friend's house, can she come pick him up. If you're at your friend's house, you're hardly stranded. He just wants a chauffeur. After much scuffling between Sister and I, she decides she has to go "confront" him and then bring him back. He can't wait an hour or so until decent people are dressed and fed? I'll keep him outside, she says. Whatever. He's your piece of ass.

Well, we're dressed and partially ready when ol' boy waltzes in at 7:30 in the a.m. full of fluff, probably expecting to bowl us over with his "charm," declaring, "I'm the asshole you've heard about." Me and Director/buddy just sit there on the couch looking at him. He points at Director/buddy and asks, "Are you the sister?" To which I replied, "Why, does she seem like the more aggressive one?" And it all went downhill from there. He never shut up. I found out later he was on acid. Which explains everything. It was mostly an exchange of one-liners, where he tried to set himself up as "right", and he got his ass handed back to him.

Haven't you ever made a mistake before?
I wouldn't make a mistake like you.

Boy, you don't smile a lot, do you?
I smile at people who don't treat my sister like shit. I've got great big smiles for them.

I know, I know, I'm the biggest asshole you ever met.
No, you're just in the running for minor asshole of the year. You're a little fish in a great big barrel.

You might as well shut up and listen to me.
Big mistake, fucker. I talk when I want, I listen to what I want, and I walk how I want to. I'm not one of your trained women.

Well, her dog thinks I'm great.
It's a dog, dumbass. It thinks the smell of shit is great, too. Guess that's why you get along so well.

Oh, and my personal favorite:
Don't you believe in Jesus Christ?
I'll leave you to speculate what happened next. Director/buddy was nearly incapacitated just from laughing.

At some point, I thought Director/buddy was going to punch him. Apparently he did too, as when she moved, he flinched. The best parts were when the two of us just sat and laughed uproariously at something stupid he had said. Nothing dulls somebody's brass quite like being made fun of. We took Sister to breakfast and gave her a long and pointless talk about what a sack of trash he was. This is part of the email I got today:

After you guys left on Sunday, I went back home and Fuckface was asleep. I woke him up and told him he can pass out at home and he apologized. We ended up going to get his keys out of his car and I called AAA for him and got all that done. Then we went to a bar on ***** and I paid his way in and bought him a drink. Then he called at 1:30 this morning and came over "just to see me" but ended up borrowing $5 so he could get to work today because he claims he doesn't have gas and hasn't picked up his check.

Great. Why women fall for this crap is beyond me. But I'm to the point now where I just about don't care. It's pretty obvious he's only out for a bed away from Mommy & Daddy, a ride, and a piece of ass.

Take the trash to the dump.

-- Virgil