Guidelines for Regulating Religion

Per special request as an addendum to hubby's proposal to highly regulate or outright ban certain religions as posted below, here is a modest guide to regulating versus banning, with some examples.

Regulating: not the best for you, but won't kill you unless you're really trying. I suppose that since all Christianity has a death obsession--after all, their main icon is a dude being tortured and dying or being dead--all Christianity can kill you. In fact, one might go so far as to say that they all WANT to die, as the next life is supposed to be better than this one. However, for our political purposes, regulating assumes that substances would be consumed in moderation, with penalties for those who overdose on their religion and are demonstrating PR--public religiosity. Naturally, all impromptu preaching would be banned except in approved free preaching zones. Violation may result in a fine of $25,000 or 5 years in jail, whichever is most repugnant to the offender. Offenders also risk losing their claim to said religion, and would have to find another one or do without. However, they do not qualify for the Atheist Tax Break without passing a qualifying exam refuting the existence of God (heh, heh). Religions that have displayed general tolerance or ease with life are regulated by an official state religion regulator in each preapproved state church site. If you vary your sermon, we'll know about it.

Churches that are regulated:

Presbyterians: Pretty much OK due to their belief in Calvinism, or predetermination. So if they do end up banned, it'll be OK because it was already predestined to be so. They won't give us any trouble. They also tend to be full of wealthier white people, so they make a good tax base (did I mention we're taxing religions??).

Quakers: More or less because they mind their own business and encourage others to mind theirs. And because they're adamant pacifists. If we have to shut them down, they'll quietly go on home.

Unitarians: They work for tolerance among all beliefs, and will probably be spending so much time trying to integrate everyone's differing opinion into one reconcilable view that they'll be too busy to cause trouble.

Episcopalians: Took a stance on gay rights. Gotta have some semblance of ritual, people seem to dig that.

Banning Churchs: If it really is true that religion is the opiate of the masses, then it's time we treated it as such. Some religions are like heroin--junk to society and those that use them. Candidates for these religions can find themselves in hot water for a number of tell tale signs: any secret handshakes, underwear, special books or other things that attempt to dominate the behavior of the flock. Sometimes even sheep have rights. Any bizarre behavior that is dangerous to the life of the follower, considered gross or just plain stupid will land you on the banned list as well. Any attempt to exert undue influence on the lives of the "flock" will be swiftly put down.

Churches that are banned:

Pentecostals: No more handling of snakes, speaking in tongues and flopping on the floor like a crazy person. Time to get the medication you truly need.

Baptists: Mainly for their bickering, inability to decide what a Baptist should or shouldn't believe, and their obsession with hell fire. Considered divisive to the nation.

7th Day Adventists: For annoying people at home with their house calls and generally just being bizarre.

Jay-Dubs: See Apostofest entry. See Fundies Gone Wild entry. For rousing people out of a good Saturday morning slumber to answer their dumb questions about life on earth for ever and ever. For resigning their flock to death because they won't accept blood transfusions, for covering up molestation in the church yet blasting the Catholics for the same thing, for using the congregation as the elders' personal pissing tree. And so much more. Banned, banned, BANNED.

Catholics: For telling people that if they vote for certain candidates that they cannot recieve communion. Mucking with politics gets you banned instantly.

Born-agains: I would think this goes without explaining.

EXCEPTIONS: Some churches are exceptions to the rule.

Methodists: Husband can't figure them out. Doesn't like them because they're too much like Catholics, doesn't really know what to do with them. Allowed for now, but regulated. Heavily regulated and watched...

Mormons: To be decided on a case by case basis. On the fence due to religion's tenets being revealed through the use of magic rocks, the Uma and the Thurman. There are only two criteria: 1) How many wives do you have? The proper answer is one. To be followed up on with a home visit by state inspection people. 2) Do you have magic underwear? The proper answer is no. To be proven by dropping your pants. NOW.

--Virgil