Difficult Dharma to Swallow
I recently read a transcript of a dharma talk given by Thich Nhat Hahn in 1996. I've been thinking on it since then. It's difficult for me to digest. Probably because I don't like the taste of the food...
"You don't have to suffer if you have insight -- if you understand and that understanding is the fruit of deep looking. If we suffer so much, it is because we are ignorant. If we get angry at our father, at our mother, our son, our daughter, or our partner, it is because we are still ignorant. Practice in looking deeply will allow you to see how the other person has become like that. He was not like that when you married him, but now he is like this, like this, very hard to be with. And who is responsible? Put the questions in front of you and meditate. When I first married him, he was not like that. When I first married her, she was not like that. Why has she become so unbearable today? Who is responsible? Should I blame her, or should I blame myself, or should I blame society? All these questions help with our meditation. To meditate means to confront reality and not to escape. If you are running away from your real problems, you are not meditating correctly. You need to sit in a mound of calm, of concentration. You need to sit in a mound of mindfulness in order to confront these hardships and to look into the nature of this suffering."
full talk here
He goes on to say that understanding the suffering caused, for instance, by one's parents involves meditating on your parents' lives beforehand to see what has caused them to behave in that manner. With knowledge comes a reduction in suffering. Maybe.
I don't like to think that some suffering that I am currently experiencing is the result of my own doing. I don't like looking into that thought deeply. I would rather feel justified and vindicated in my own assessments. But sometimes admitting my own part in a current state of affairs is the most difficult thing of all. I'm still thinking about it.
--Virgil
posted by contemplator at Tuesday, October 31, 2006
3 Comments:
Oh honey... No beating yourself up now. It's easy to find blame where ever you look, even if there is none - it's a very human trait and that is one thing that everyone can change.
My view of what he was saying there was more along the lines of forebearance he also mentioned in your link.
Forbearance does not mean that you try to suppress the pain. The Chinese way of writing is this: this is the heart and this is a kind of sharp knife that can cause the pain. The heart is so big that even if the knife is there it does not affect it, and finally the knife is transformed into a non-knife element. The Buddha used a very wonderful image, and he used it several times in his lifetime of teaching. He said suppose you have something dirty, if you pour it into your water container then that water you cannot drink. No one can drink such water. If you pour urine, some excrement, or something you spit out from your stomach, then you can't use the whole container of water, you have to throw it away. Even a tiny bit of dirt falling into your glass, you cannot drink it. But if you throw that container of dirt into a large river. If you throw the dirt, maybe one kilo, or ten kilos, into an immense river, people in the whole area can still drink water from the river. That's because the river is big, and it takes no time at all for the river to transform the dirt. Overnight the dirt will not be there, because a huge amount of water is circulating. The whole amount of mud underneath will be able to transform the dirt you threw yesterday and the river becomes limpid, entirely ready for you to drink.
You could suck up a world of pain, the question shouldn't be could you, the question should be should you.
You cannot blame yourself here for your partner. You cannot assume you are responsible for the change in him. To do this assumes he cannot be responsible for his own actions and that his actions are a direct consequence of yours. Is his lack of forebearance your fault now? Has he really changed or are you more in tune with his essence?
It's an easy trap to fall into, but it's like survivors guilt. Do you honestly believe it's your fault? If so, change where you erred.
Above all remember that there should always be change in a relationship. But that it should be positive. There should be growth and sharing of triumphs and loads; learning and encouragement; nurturing and joy. It should not be about how heavy a cross you can bear - or if you hate the Christian metaphor, as above, how much water you need to wash your shit down.
Do you honestly believe you've been providing a negative environment that causes everything to wilt?
I hope not!
It isn't about "sucking up pain." It's about understanding what causes suffering--what really causes it. It's not beating yourself up to understand the part you contributed to a messy situation.
The dirt and water imagery is about understanding. Your heart (understanding) becomes so large that things can't dirty the water or spoil it. I find that I am not angry at people when I understand why they do things. Aggravated, maybe. But hurt and angry? No.
Because my understanding is large enough so that I realize they are not really making this about me--it's about their suffering and how that makes them react in certain ways.
The mistake is in being ego-centric.
Thanks for the clarification.
I know what some of what you're saying. Nelson Mandela became the bigger man and genuinely forgave his prison guards.
Are you vaguely aware that you're saying it's 'not about you', yet also trying to work out how much of your fault it is and that was the bitter pill? [Or should I pay more attention in class?] :)
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