Miscellaneous Observations About My Day

My Saint Patty's Day was weird. I ran in several different circles all day long doing various things that didn't have much to do with each other. Here are my random observations.

• I don't like baby showers. I didn't even like the one that was thrown for me. They just creep me out.
• They seem to be filled with women of a different socio-economic status than me. Consequently, my stories and hijinks seem uproarious to them. Their stories bore the crap out of me.
• Most baby shower games suck. But the door prizes are good.
• Most people don't buy the right "kind" of presents. Moms-to-be do not need that ultra expensive tube of baby butt creme. They need diapers. Lots and lots of diapers. And reality says they need outfits they can throw in the wash at a moment's notice, not fancypants stuff the kid will wear once in 2 months and then go to the Goodwill.
  

Then, I went to a wild game dinner hosted by some student group in the Agriculture dept. Some observations:

• College kids can't cook. The stuff was mostly overseasoned or cooked too long. Or maybe wild game just tastes dry naturally. Blech, for the most part.
• Most of the stuff wasn't really that exotic. I had deer, squirrel, trout, salmon, goose, "waterfowl", and bison before, and done better, frankly. New stuff I had included rabbit, elk and grouse.
• The rabbit was good!
• There was no bear. I really wanted to try some bear.
  
• Fish & gaming people all look weirdly alike in some ways.
  
• I ran into a student whom I had failed; his father is a bigwig in the Ag Dept. That was awkward for him and funny for me.
  
• The smoked trout was awesome. I probably ate part of a bag of it.
  
• We had to sit through a 45 minute lecture on fish species native to West Virginia.
  
• Things I learned from the lecture include the fact that the New River is thought to be the oldest river in the world. My suggestion they change the name to the Oldest River didn't meet with much approval.
• Another thing I learned from the lecture is that some idiot group of people decided to name a fish the "chubsucker." Me and director/buddy laughed our asses off at that one. We were quite disruptive.
  

My Saint Patty's Day drinking episode was a big bust. It only took hopping to two bars to decide I was on to the next thing. Reasons why:

• I don't go to bars where my students go. Too many weird things that can happen. Consequently, I try to go to bars where the real locals go to.
  
• Tried out the new bar close to the volunteer fire hall where the wild game dinner was held. Boy was that a mistake. When you can hear the ear-bleeding country music karaoke all the way outside, you should probably get back in your truck and speed away.
• But if you do decide to stay, your second warning should be when they bring your beer in a can. Drinking beer out of a can is something you can do at home. Which is probably where you should be.
• Why in the hell are bars like that either filled with drunk young pups who seem rather violent when drunk and who you fear you may have to do the driving for or with old, weathered farts who are so drunk they can only gesticulate wildly?
  
• It does nothing for my ego to be hit upon by said old fart gesticulating wildly. If anything, it acts on my ego in a negative manner. I'm apparently an old fart magnet. I've even been hit on by old farts when I've walked into a bar with two young men, one of which had his arm around me and the other strutting around like a young buck looking to scratch his antlers on something. That still doesn't slow them down. What am I doing wrong?!
• Why are said old farts always named something stupid, like "Tennessee" or "Jefferson"? I'd like them to fade away like a bad smell, but with names like that, who can forget??
• Run away when said old fart named Tennessee gets up to sing you a karaoke song of the ear-bleeding persuasion. It works, and it's your chance to escape.

Next bar observations:

• Bitches, it's Saint Patty's Day. You don't save seats in a fucking bar on Saint Patty's Day when it's packed cheek-to-jowl. Additionally, this is something of a redneck bar. If you think you can save them, please, by all means, try. *grin*
• Weird, weird "rock" band called Evil B was getting back together. Having had a beer at this particular bar before we headed off to the wild game dinner thing, I heard "Hellraiser" one too many times. Plus, from sitting on the upper deck, I could see the guy's bald spot, which really wasn't doing anything for his image.
  
• On the other hand, some chick in the crowd was wearing an Evil B tee-shirt. They have shirts??
• Apparently this particular bar is a hangout spot for the Harley-Davidson crowd. There are apparently rules for where you can and cannot sit that everyone knew but me.
• The reason I was oblivious, is because Director/Buddy is a part of the secret Harley clique, so I just always sat where she did, and they accepted it by proxy.
• Unfortunately, I think they think that must mean I ride bitch on her bike. Which leads to a host of other worries.
• It also explains why the Harley men don't hit on me.
• It also means that if there's a Harley fight, I think I'm expected to stand up as a show of numbers.
• The night just got weirder after that, so we left and parted ways.
  

After that, being decently buzzed and everything else having been a bust, I went for broke and went to see the movie 300. So far, The Iranians are pissed off about it, because they think it portrays Persians as evil, without culture, wanting to rule the planet, blah, blah. I'm pissed off about it because I want my ticket money back. That was the stupidest movie I've seen in a long time. I fully realize it's based on a graphic novel and is supposed to be campy. It just plain sucks. It's supposed to have unique filming characteristics. It's a dumb movie. There's no real build up to the plot. There' s no reason to like the characters. I read about the Spartans vs. the Persians in translation. It was very exciting. This movie was not. From the first five minutes, it feels like a clumsy propaganda piece about how freedom equals fighting, and about how the Spartans are all about "reason" and the Persians about "mysticism". Other things I noticed:

• Spartans, being so full of reason, subject their kids to complete emersion in violence from the time they are 7 years old. Their job is war. You're supposed to be impressed by that.
• Spartans are the only real "humans" there are. Everyone else looks like a colorful cartoon character.
  
• "Philosophers", "potters," and "sculptors" of the Acadian (read, Odysseus' Greece) persuasion are actually little better than brawlers and are mainly too cowardly to stand and fight for a "glorious death." And yet, most of our culture comes from them; our bad attitude might come from the Spartans, but, whatever.
• Oracles are actually teenage girls so high on something that they swim through the air. That was kind of a neat scene. One of the few.
• Congress is a chicken-livered body that only wants to reap the rewards of the bravery of others, if it all works out. Sound familiar?
  
• Leonides routes the Congress by not declaring war, rather he declares he's only going for some sort of investigative walk. This is supposed to be a good thing. Congress is supposed to be the "bad guys" for wanting to hold him to the fact that he broke the law. Sound familiar?
• These people of "reason" walk around with a codpiece and a long red cape. That's it.
• Spartan men are totally hot and buff. Every other man is flabby. Men, you can only look this way if you submerse yourself in total preparation for war. Constantly. But you'll look hot.
• Xerxes is a bizarre transsexual looking hispanic being, who towers head and shoulders over other men and conquers the world one nation at a time only because he wants to get head from the leaders of those nations. At least that's the implication.
  
• Persians are much, much browner than I think history will verify. Much, much browner.
• The Persians had in their keep various and sundry monsters, who look like the last refugees of beasts from Middle Earth, and whose sole aim is to kill, kill, kill.
  
• Xerxes' executioner looks like Jaba the Hut with boney blades for arms.
  
• When brown people can't at first overcome the Spartans, the Persians send in their crack fighting force, who happen to be yellow people. Followed by the Mongolians.
  
• We fight for freedom, justice (and you want to add the American Way, because it just wants to roll off the tongue so easily). We say this over and over and over in the movie.
• When Leonides runs off with his elite force of Spartans, against the law, his wife gives a short speech about truth, justice, and the fact that we can't let their lost lives be in vain. Sound familiar?
• The parting words of Leonides to his people and to us moviegoers are, "Remember us." What for? Oh, for that whole keep on fighting and fighting for truth and justice and blood and fighting theme we've been working on for the whole movie.
  

The only fun part was acting out the Spartan vs. Persian individual fight scenes later on. The Spartans were very pragmatic and methodical with their spears and shields, and the Persians simply flailed about like wild and crazy men with no training. It was very easy to replicate at home.

-- Virgil