The "Advocate"

I mentioned in the post about my uncle's funeral that many people in my hometown had already seen an article about me and knew that life was going pretty decently for me right now. Well, what I should add about that article was that it never occurred to me to put it in the local rag until Director/Buddy (is she just Buddy now??) suggested it as a retaliatory tactic toward my Mother. I know how petty that sounds. But it honestly has turned out to be so much fun. It's like human chess. You do this, I make that move back. It's snarky, but it isn't destructive. As much as I'd like to be destructive sometimes and watch somebody just flame and burn, I try to restrain myself. Do you know how hard it is to have a social worker personality and the kind of temper I do? You should pity me. Seriously. Anyhoo. Mom made the opening move--I just countered.

You see, she got me a subscription to the local rag, called the "Advocate". That's not its full name, but that's what the locals call it. The only things it advocates are poor grammar and the woefully backward policies of its geriatric publisher, who probably uses it as a tax write off. The man makes McCain look look a whippersnapper. El Hijo and I read the columns aloud for mocking fun purposes. It was in this local rag, which Dante's dad also reads, that she fired her opening volley.

I found out about it when his dad called and started the conversation with: "Yo mom's a piece of work!!" To which I responded, "This is hardly the news of the year. What did she do now?" Turns out she submitted Dante's picture to said rag with the caption of "Dante X is shown playing basketball for X Elementary, where he received an award. He is the grandson of Nana From Hell and The Other Good Grandparents." No mention of actual parents was anywhere to be seen--she'd orphaned him, basically, as she is loathe to be associated with either of us. This being a small town, it was something of a snub. It's not like the people in that town don't already know who his parents are. So, it looks like she is intentionally cold shouldering us, and people were talking about that. His dad found out about it through the grapevine before he even got his paper.

In discussing this with D/B, along the lines of "now guess what she's done," D/B suggested I submit the trifecta to the local rag: the award (with awesome picture w/ Secretary of State), the graduation, and the new job--all with the same treatment, of course. I thought that was the most awesome idea ever. Because it was so petty and so funny. I don't give a crap that people back home know what I've done--I have no intentions of ever moving back there anyway. But it was a sweet little chess move, and I don't have enough scruples to avoid it. So, I submitted it.

Now, it took a while to hit the paper, because they are technological morons. But it finally hit. And it had the same damned effect on the town, if the reaction at the funeral is any indication. And you know what? It felt pretty damned good to toot my own horn, mainly because nobody back home ever does it for me. Back home, the only real "Advocate" you have is yourself. Here's what it said:

Dante's Virgil (pictured right) was recently awarded an Fan-freaking-tastic Award That You Probably Didn't Get for her groundbreaking teaching methods in the college classroom.Virgil taught freshman college writing that stressed writing for and with the community. West Virginia Secretary of State Betty Ireland presented the award. Virgil graduates Land Grant University in August with a Masters degree in English. She has been selected to head a pilot project aimed at increasing retention of college freshmen who are the first in their families to attend a university. Dante's Virgil is the granddaughter of Evil Nana's Parents and the late Better Set of Grandparents. She is a 1995 graduate of Mostly Moronic Local High School (what've you fuckers been doing lately??--that was an added bonus). She currently resides in Someplace Much Better Than Hometown.

Petty? You betcha. Sweet? Totally.

-- DV