Confessions of an Ex-Jehovah's Witness

I've been stewing over Jehovah's Witness related events recently. My 10 year exit anniversary is coming up in June. Even though nearly a decade has past, I realize that there are a few things I haven't gotten over yet. And I wonder if I ever will.

One is the exquisite pain and betrayal of my mother in this situation. I've excused it every which way, because she's my *mother*. She means well, I say, she doesn't really understand what she's doing, she's lonely and tired and sorrowful, and she's just lashing out that things in her life aren't better. Well. Still. That doesn't give her the right to treat us as untouchables.

I still can't believe I was in a cult. I have to say it to myself over and over again to make it seem real. Jehovah's Witnesses are a cult. The fact that most of their believers have no idea of what goes on or has gone on in the Society is only one of many proofs that they're a cult. For a long time I would say that they were cultISH, but not commit fully to the idea that they were a cult. They are a cult.

I have what I refer to as an "Armegeddon Complex". It works like this. The time of the end is coming SOON, like next week, maybe. So you have to hurry and get in everything while you can before it all goes up in flames.

Some day to day expressions of the Armegeddon Complex include the following:

1. Scheduling three times more activities into your day than you can possibly do.

2. An greatly increased chance of high risk behavior (why not smoke and drink it up and screw your health into a wad? It isn't going to matter in the end anyway). When I went to college, I did a double degree while working full time with a child under 5. I was also in several groups I either joined or started. I didn't do this because I was an overachiever. I did it because the phrase "life is short" goes double for ex-Witnesses. I have ex-JW friends who do all kinds of high risk behaviors from incredibly dangerous personal behavior to bungee jumping. For some of them they can't feel anything unless it's risky.

3. Armegeddon Complex also means that you'll probably have nightmares about the time of the end. I did. Although mine would end up on the comical side, they were pretty freaky. Picture every overbearing elder you've ever met looming around you in your dream which ends with a demon musical song and dance. Looney bin, here we come.

4. It also means you continually look back on your life and ask "Have I done enough?" And the answer to that question is always NO. Because it's drilled into you at meetings--the end is near, are YOU doing enough for Jehovah? And there, too, the answer is always NO. So it's hard to feel satisfied when you're outside the organization, but still have Armegeddon Complex.

5. And last, I'd have to say that there is always this inner feeling of being late for something. And this is truly the most annoying part of a contracted illness like the Armegeddon Complex. It's like you're always running behind. The psychological tick is probably that you feel like you're running OUT of time, or something. I hate Armegeddon Complex.

Next to last, I lived with an unconcious fear of being apostasized. For new people who don't know what that is, search my blog for Apostofest. It wasn't really that I feared being branded a lesser imp of Satan. More that it severed whatever ties are left with your family, pretty much for good unless they come to their senses. This caused me to lay low. I just didn't want trouble. Now I'm sorry I didn't make trouble. I may make trouble yet. The very fact that I haven't turned into a pillar of salt is troubling for some.

And last, and this is going to be funny to some people, I have real physical trouble saying the words "peace and security" together. There's a scripture in the New Testament that reads something like, "and when it is that the nations will declare 'peace and security', that is when destruction will be instantly upon them." Or something like that. Anyway, in Witness mythology, it marks the start of the times of tribulation that culminate in Armegeddon. When I was a teenager and heard Bill Clinton say "peace and security" on the radio once, I nearly pissed my pants. Now, I literally trip over my tongue when I try to say them together. I try never to say them together. It makes me look like I have a speech impediment.

--Virgil