::Sigh:: Here We Go Again

Whilst visiting my son, I stayed in my mother's house, which is where we usually go when we come for a visit. Sister was able to come down for a few days, and we had a lovely time talking, making up for lost time. My mother, to put it bluntly, had a candle up her ass the entire time we were there. She hates to see me and Sister together. Always has, not sure why.

In fact, she invented several "emergencies' while we were there that ONLY required Sister's help, which fell through as soon as I reinvented an excuse for Dante and I to be there. All she wanted to do was get Sister alone and lecture her, cajole her, make her feel bad for not going to culty meetings anymore. She doesn't want her anywhere around me because she believes I poison the well. I would if I gave a crap, but she doesn't realize I don't care. Sister just has the brains enough to figure it out for herself. Moving away from the hole of a town she lived in helped, too.

Since we've been out of the lie they call the "truth", Mom's been very distant to us, downright cold. She wants to shun us, but can't quite pull it off properly. She wants to treat us coldly when we come around, but she never tells us not to come, and acts as though she wants us to visit. But that's primarily so she can try to exert some of the rules of shunning on us when we get there. Behavior modification.

I thought Sister was through the hardest part when she dodged the elders and came away clean. I thought they'd just forget about her, call her "inactive", and go put a bug up somebody else's ass. I forgot, though, that this isn't the hardest part.

Mom is the hardest part.

She gives backhanded love and attention. Along the lines of "I'll always love you because I'm your mother, but things can never be the same between us." Sorry, Mom, you don't get to have it both ways. You can't claim maternal affection and then withold it to try to sadistically change our behavior. Which isn't bad behavior, by the way. We both work. We both volunteer. We're smart, and we're good people. I have a generous and compassionate boy in the face of a jaded world. Sadly, we have to tell ourselves this because we get nothing but criticism from her.

It could be worse.

Some Witness parents shun their children completely, not even telling them that their family members are sick or have died, not speaking to them at all, or cutting them out of their wills. I would charge Mom with mental insanity if she tried to cut Sister and I out of more than a century's worth of heritage. In a heartbeat.

I think, though, that I would almost prefer Mom just shunned us completely rather than give us the pittance of her affections. I don't want her widow's mite. I have a child. I can NEVER imagine telling him that things had changed between us and I would still talk to him, but not truly connect with him.

Mom waffles between crying and asking where she went wrong to threatening us with that ever elusive "time of the end" when there's no turning back. At this point, destroy me at the end of it. I don't want to live forever with these people under their version of Jehovah. Not that I believe that crap anyway, but still. So basically, it's guilt trip you into thinking you're killing your poor mother because you won't conform to her cult, make you feel like a worthless person, or terrify you with the loss of your afterlife. My lowest point from her was "You want to see your dead Daddy again, don't you?" No, the lowest point was when she called my son a "sin" recently, because he was born out of wedlock. Well, again, you can't love sin, Mom, so do you love your grandchild or not??

Present success doesn't amount to a hill of beans to her because it's "worldly" accomplishments. So, two college degrees, helping run a not for profit, a great kid, a great husband, a short story collection--nah. None of that means anything. Sister's sharp brain and bouncing up the corporate ladder, one of VERY few women in her male dominated field to do so and still in her mid-twenties? Her passion for helping people and going out of her way for them? Nothing to Mom. So what's left? Nothing but her cult religion. And if you ain't in, you ain't nothing.

And that's how she's treating Sister now. And I don't think Sister was ready for it, even though she knew it was coming.

I remember going through it at 19, 20 years old. Not fun. It's hard to be your own wellspring of pats on the back, and good job, honeys. If the most significant people in your life don't think it's worth much, why should you think it so?

The climax is coming to where Mom is going to have to decide: the organization or my daughters? I had hoped that with Sister, the answer would be daughter, and maybe it would ease Mom's eyes open. I knew with me what the answer would be, that's why I never asked, and just found my own way without counting on support. Sadly, here recently through phone conversations and my last visit, I think her answer is going to be the organization.

It hurts again like it was brand new and I was 19. Only this time I hurt for Sister. I hope now, though, that she can lean on my experience and come through it a little softer than I did. After all, she was only 16-17 at the time when it happened to me. I had a few close friends plus I guess I was just too damn stubborn to relent (unrepentant attitude??), so I got through. I don't want her to suffer like I did. It was hell on Earth for about three or four years.

I had not foreseen this happening to her, and it's sad.

But, hey, that's why she's got a Big Sister :). Family is what you make of it.

--Virgil