Conference Chaos

I've been at the state Literacy Conference from Thursday to this evening. I had plenty of good rants prepared, and now I'm too tired to care.

The party consisted of me, director, the Malingerer, and the crazy whack job bus driver we hired. So it was guaranteed to be at least 50% hell most of the time. Just surviving the fit of nerves I had getting there was enough to set the stage. The Malingerer drove an SUV 80 mph in the pouring rain. I was sure she was going to send us all to the hospital just so we could have a little bonding time together.

This was the biggest clusterfuck of an event I've ever seen. And I've been to a lot of freaking conferences on a lot of different things. Somehow I managed to have a good fight with the State Director and several other Important Persons. I didn't know you were only supposed to agree. They were planning the conference at approximately 11 pm on the night before it was to take place. Brilliant.

I barely survived the first night, due to the Malingerer and director sawing down enough trees to wipe out the rainforest. I got no sleep the first night. When the sun hit my eyes--yes, right IN my eyes--at 5am, I just got up and took my shower. The second night I was smart enough to knock myself out with Tylenol PM.

The classes/meetings themselves proved to be everything I was warned about. As taking notes would be only for the truly masochistic, I instead devised my own categories to get me through the event. I will share these results with you, so that you, too, can be up to speed on the conference.

Oooh, Technology!!
This category got checked every time some new and fascinating aspect of technology was mentioned that didn't come from the Stone Age. You mean we can have a CD with this information on it to download instead of a freaking ream of transparencies?? Brilliant! I realize that some people run their programs off of their kitchen table on less than $2000. Guess what, you're not serving your county. How can you make sure people are computer literate if you don't even have a fucking email account? I would have a lot more sympathy if it weren't for the fact that FREE computers were offered through this parent organization and they were refused. Sadly, the ticks under the Oooh, Technology!! category are too embarassing to report. No wonder we have a fucking problem in this state.

Oooh, Shiny!!
Every time the conference was stopped due to someone's finding a penny, a plastic toy, or something else to stop the convention and share with the ENTIRE assembly, this category got a tick. Happily, as the monotony wore on, most people went comatose and stopped finding retarded things to drag the meeting on with.

Brain Trust
Every time a new fuck to add to the cluster happened, this category got ticked. Meeting at 11 pm to do a conference that starts at 8am? Brain trust at work. All those financial reports you needed to present but your dumb ass left in the car when you KNOW we only do this every two years? Brilliant. Poor management of time, so that the most important stuff you get done in 20 minutes worth of gloss? Your glorious leadership by example. The Brain Trust finally got so many ticks I quit counting.

Shut up, Myrtle!
Myrtle the Turtle was there, dominating with her retarded comments as usual. Never on point, always about three steps behind, doesn't believe in email, talks over the presenters, never positive, always snippy, SHUT UP, MYRTLE!! I ticked this box twelve times during the first board meeting.

So there you have it. Up to speed. Aren't ya glad you didn't have to go??