For Me and You

Stay In The Moment

I've developed the habit of going into my head and living out ideas/fantasies of what I'd like my life to be rather than living the life that I own at this very moment. The habit resulted from years worth of having to create pretty pictures to look forward to in order to cope with a reality that wasn't always very pleasant. While I appreciate the tool it created for me to work with, it's turned into a dangerous guilty pleasure.

If I stay in my head, the real world continues to move as normal. And then I run the risk of waking up out of my dreams months or years down the road and realizing that real life has passed me by. There will never be the ideal time to begin doing something. Lives are filled with random events that impact the basic to-do list you started with. If I can't get from the classroom to the office without some random event adding yet one more thing for me to do that day or altering my route completely, one certainly can't expect life to breathe a sigh of relief and say, "OK, Virg, now's the time to get Project X done."

That isn't to say I don't value planning. Those closest to me will tell you I'm the Queen of the 5 Year Plan.

But as Thich Nhat Han said, "the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth." If I am in control of my thoughts and concious of the moment and that moment only, I cannot be slapped about like a bottle on the waves. One can be slapped about by mundane activities like all the house errands one runs in a day or by bigger philisophical matters that impact the decisions one makes in life. Either way, I am not concious. If I'm not concious, I'm living life in a coma.

To quote Thich Nhat Han again:

"If you cannot find joy and peace in these very moments of sitting, then the future itself will only flow by as a river flows by, you will not be able to hold it back, you will be incapable of living the future when it becomes the present. Joy and peace are the joy and peace possible in this very hour of sitting. If you cannot find it here, you won't find it anywhere. Don't chase after your thoughts as a shadow follows its object. Don't run after your thoughts. Find joy and peace in this very moment."
The Miracle of Mindfulness

Favorite Songs

These songs speak to my soul. I like lots of music, but these do something for me that other pieces of music just can't.



"Mood Indigo"
If my soul had a soundtrack, it would sound like this most of the time.




"You Never Give Me Your Money"
These are the words to the soundtrack of my life. Especially "soon we'll be away from here/step on the gas and wipe that tear away/one sweet dream/came true today..."




"Firestarter"
Because when my soul gets really, really pissed, this is what it sounds like...

Animated Things I Love

Here are a few animated things I loved & why. I don't think true anime counts as a cartoon, but whatever.



The opening lines of every episode between Aeon Flux and Trevor describe why I like this show:
Trevor: The dream to awaken our world…
Aeon: You’re out of control.
Trevor: I take control. Whose side are you o­n?
Aeon: I take no side.
Trevor: Your skating the edge.
Aeon: I am the edge!
Trevor: What you truly want, o­nly I can give.
Aeon: You can’t give it, you can’t even buy it, and you just don’t get it!

Who wouldn't like a girl who can crush flies with her eyelashes? I loved Aeon Flux when the show came out. I've never seen the movie, as I want to go on liking the show. I think one of the main aspects I liked was the fact that Aeon died in some of the episodes. For whatever cynical reason, I enjoy it when shows have the guts to kill off the main character. Plus she was running around all dommed up and skating on the edge of sexuality (sometimes falling right off into a bottomless pit), and that was awesome.
More about Aeon Flux




Ah, yes: Spike. The ultimate Gen-Xer sci-fi fantasy--at least for me. Again, he gets killed at the end, and goes out with a ton of irony, so I really enjoyed it. Someone very close to me gave me the entire collection, which made me insanely happy. I also liked Radical Edward (who's really a girl), because Ed is the quintissential kid: a whole lot smarter than you think she is and still incredibly naive. I also liked Jet, because I always thought Jet was the kind of person Spike would end up being at that age. I even liked Vicious. The only person I didn't like was Faye. But I think that's because she reminds me of Sister--and I love Sister, but I think Sister would definitely be Faye in that kind of situation.

What are your favorites? (Links, too, if possible, please!)

Moral Court--Where It Pays to Be Right!

If ever there was a get rich scheme for me, I've found it!

Moral Court is the place where people take their grievances and sue based on the ethics of the situation and actually get money for it.

Do you people have any idea how much money I could make from all the fuckers in my life who've been on the wrong end of the moral stick?

I could clog up the courts for years!

Unfortunately, I think the show was cancelled a few years ago. Probably went bankrupt.

Justin Timberlake Needs A Dominatrix

Have you heard the bridge to Justin Timberlake's new song "Sexy Back"?

Dirty babe (aha)
You see these shackles
Baby I'm your slave (aha)
I'll let you whip me if I misbehave (aha)
It's just that no one makes me feel this way (aha)



He's begging for a domme. I don't particularly care for J.T., but in this case when one asks so nicely...

Musicians I Love

There are a lot of people who could fall under this category, but here are just a few...



John Lee Hooker: Perfectly awesome in every way! My favorite blues man.



One of the first songs my Dad ever played for me out of his record collection was The Star Spangled Banner done by Jimi Hendrix. I still listen to it sometimes when I can't remember why it's worth the fight. My favorite song of his is Voodoo Child followed by Foxy Lady.



Nobody does it like Bessie Smith does. Nobody else has the balls to!

A New Non-Profit

Dante has found his calling in life which he described to me over the phone. He has decided to found a new non-profit organization: Animal Daycare.

Now, before you snort, I have to say that he has thought his plans out quite well. In fact, it reminds me of the basic plan of a no-kill animal shelter, although he plans to offer other (reduced cost) services to those who have pets as well. He even has his funding all planned out.

He will offer boarding services to people who need to leave their pets and go on vacation. He will offer a variety of grooming services to those pets (and knowing him also to the other animals in the shelter who don't have owners) including hair dying services to dogs. I asked him what color he would dye them. He says, pink, blue and green. I thought this was ridiculous. Then I saw the Kelis video "Bossy" with the green poodle. Apparently he's ahead of his time.

He will house these animals in a large house with ample grounds for frolicking around. He's going to have a huge indoor room for the birds to fly around in. He's already estimated how much room he's going to need. It was a damn good guess. When owners come to leave their pets with him, they have to sign two forms. One form tells "the dog's names, what kind of food they like to eat, what their owner's name is, their owner's phone number, the dog's birthday, stuff like that." I gave him the new terminology of "admission form".

The second form, he sighed, was "if they get sick, and I mean really, really, really, really sick, you know? Really sick. Well...if they get sick, then the owner signs the paper that says...you know...that, well, we can take them to the doctor." I thought he was going to have a put-down/killing policy there for a minute. I then introduced him to the term "emergency release form".

"How are you going to pay for all of this? It costs a lot of money to buy food and make sure you have a vet on call and things like that."

"Oh, I'm going to have an animal fundraiser," he said. Apparently he's picked up a new term from Mom. He then describes that he'll charge a flat admission fee to get in and he'll have carnival-like games for people to play like the basketball throw, pick-up ducks, balloon busting and such. He's going to have a mascot (currently his little poodle Sugar Pie at Nana's house) and then someone to dress up in a dog suit and work the crowd. He's going to get McDonald's to donate kids meals to the children who come. I told him about the 50/50 contest, and he thought it was brilliant and would use it at his fundraiser. (A 50/50 contest is where you buy tickets $1 apeice or $5 for 6 and at the drawing, you split the pot with the house if you win.)

He wanted to know if you had to go to college to start an animal daycare/shelter. I said no you didn't. If you worked hard enough you could start right up. But you'd have to convince people to fund you by showing them how well you'd worked out the plan. He thought this was preferable to going to college. I'm not going to argue with him. Unless he just has a burning desire to be an accountant, I'm not going to push it on him.

I told him that I would be his first donor. For every dollar he puts away in an account for Animal Daycare, I'll match him dollar for dollar. He was very gracious and said "Thank you" in the most professional way possible. We'll open the account in the fall when I go in for a visit. Then I'll teach him how to write a professional thank you for your support note to his donor. :D

--Virgil

I'm Bossy

Why? Because I, too, am "baws-say!" And because I was hooked in the first 35 seconds...

Honi-Honi!

Only in this town can you drive 70 miles to get away from the locals and still end up seeing everybody you know at the Honi-Honi outdoor bar in Maryland. ::sigh::

But boy was it worth it! My director/buddy and I drove out to Deep Creek Lake in Maryland specifically for the Honi-Honi bar. It was a great day--80 degrees and no humidity.

I had two drinks previously undiscovered by me: A Bushwhacker (kind of like a high-test pina colada) and The Perfect Lei(Lay) (if I had known it only took $6, I'd have done it a long time ago!)

We knew the front woman in the band, which had it's good and bad points. It was good because it makes the event more personal, more fun. It's bad, because when you're getting tipsy, she can call out "Work it, Joy, you go girl!!" ::blush::

We ran into that bitch that we see at every damn bar we go to in Morgantown. Being her bitch-ass self. All I'll say about that is that she doesn't own the seating arrangements, and I'll sit where I damn well please with or without her permission. Wait'll she asks us to come back and help her out with her prison crap next Spring. Grr!

We ran into a bunch of fellow non-profit ladies who turned out to be very unexpectedly drunk. And their non-profit was religion based, so that was highly amusing.

Other noteworthy items:

a) My drink got spilled on the floor (yes, yes, I know, you never take your drink out on the dance floor) when I was trying to cut off a guy's girlfriend so that director/buddy could move in on him. At least it was only the free Coke they give you between rounds if you bring them an empty glass.

b) For once in my life I got a mild tan instead of a sunburn. Go Waterbabies SPF 50!

c) Note to self: when you're boogying down and you grab a boy and dance and he says he has a cabin on the lake (I said, "Good for you" as I wasn't interested), and then he says it's his parents' cabin, scour the crowd for his actual parents or do an ID check before Proud Mary kicks into the really fast Tina Turner part, 'kay?? Just back away slowly!

5 Things (or, silly posts to waste your time):

i don't feel like capitalizing most of this. so sue me.

5 things in my fridge:
1:strawberries
2:marscapone cheese for making tiramisu
3:left over fish/shellfish bits for making fish stock
4:a nearly empty bottle of premade margaritas (need to remedy that)
5:one bottle of Newcastle beer (need to fix that, too)

5 things in my closet:
1:pink knee high boots with corset lacing backs that I can't wait to get into!
2:an olive wool sweater that I stole from my husband (doesn't fit him anyway)
3:a vintage floor length nightgown with wrap that belonged to my great-grandmother. would i ever wear it? no. but i like seeing it there.
4:many pairs of high heels that no longer have a purpose. ;)
5:my lucky shirt, given to me by my sister who salvaged it from some secondhand store somewhere. I wear it to media events, I got married in it (jury's still out on that one :D), and put it on when I basically need confidence.

5 things in my purse:
1:debit and credit cards for personal and nonprofit use, all helter skelter everywhere
2:my favorite tube of lipstick, apricot glaze
3:my daily planner. without it, i'd never be anywhere.
4:my big knuckle duster ring Dante bought me for $1. Gaudy as hell, and worth it!
5:my keys. too many keys, and unfortunately i have a need for every single one of them. my key ring has three rings on it--my husband's automatic car opener thingy, my boss's other job info key ring, and an american flag. and sundry automatic swiping thingys for groceries, office depot, music, etc.

5 things in my car/truck (only 5 things?!)
1:sundry literacy crap that hasn't transitioned from the office to the real world
2:usually one of my coffee to go mugs
3:a radio to replace the one that got boosted out of my car--still need some adapters to put on the plugs.
4:papers. lots and lots of papers.
5:probably things that are better off in the garbage. i'm scared to look.


Thanks to Kari at My Piece of the Net (see sidebar) for the idea!

Men I Currently Love...And One Woman I Can't Get Out Of My Head

So, OK, I'll admit to having a celebrity crush or two. Or several. Why not? I've seen plenty of crappy movies just to get a look at them. So I'll just 'fess up already.



Yes, I have a massive crush on Prince. When I went to see him in Nashville, I purposely put myself far away from the stage so I wouldn't end up on the Nashville 6:00 Evening News. Sister actually called me back in the mid-90s and said "Joy!! Prince is getting married in Paris tomorrow! If we hurry, we can stop it." I declined. Partly because that's just too over-the-top romantic for me, but also because I knew him well enough to know that he was not, in fact, going to Paris. That's just a publicity ruse to get the groupies off his tail. He did get married in Minneapolis to a woman whose name was my nickname in high school. Irony bit me in the butt. And then, when he converted to being a Jehovah's Witness, well, that was extremely ironic. But I understood his album Rainbow Children like probably nobody else did. :D I also know that he converted just to please his mother's dying wish, and that anyone with half a brain can listen to the last couple of albums and figure out that he's not serious about this religion--he knows how to flirt well. Then he divorced his latest wife (wonder how the JWs are going to handle that with their celebrity double standards??); I haven't asked him about it, but he knows he can always call. I hear things though.



What lady wouldn't like Capt. Jack Sparrow?! When he practically oozed out, "Pirate!" to Kiera Knightley in the last movie he did, that answered some personal questions for me, I won't lie. Apparently part of my problem is that I want a pirate, too. Or maybe I just like the swashbuckling. He could unbuckle my swash anytime! I even sat through the disgusting visuals of The Libertine to watch him. Nobody does syphillis like Johnny Depp. I've loved him since Benny & Joon.



OK, Joseph Fiennes has this intellectual sexuality that I haven't seen since Harrison Ford. And Jude Law here is just too cute under all that grime to be believable. I don't like "cute," I like "sexy." And so I love watching Joseph Fiennes. When he seems upset, I want to slap the girl that made him feel that way. I don't care if I'm the only person who thought Shakespeare in Love was hot. My absolute favorite movie with him in it, though, was Enemy at the Gates. Maybe that's also because I have a mild obsession with war, and it had fascists and a cute older German guy, and proletariates and a whole lotta stuff that you don't need to know that I like. Suffice it to say it was a nice marriage of ideas for me...



Ooooh, girl, don't stop! I love Neve Campbell. And I've seen some pretty stupid movies to get to watch her. I knew it was love when I watched Wild Things and was trying to look around Denise Richards' tits to see Neve. She seems very natural as an actress, and I like that. But I will admit that she looks like a certain brunette from 11 years ago named Kathy, who, apparently everybody knew was gay but me. In my defense, she was very hot-warm-cold, and I did go home with her on fall break because I wanted to find out what her actual temperature was. If she'd have said go, I would've already been there. But it doesn't help when the Nigerian exchange student who is a prince in his home country puts his consoling arm around your shoulder and says, "Oh, honey, everybody know she gay..."

--Virgil

P.S. I just realized they all kind of look alike--dark headed, dark eyed. Hmmm...

Why I Can't Fully Meditate

I love going to a place of solitude and really thinking about things. Learning to control my breath has been such a huge help to me. Whenever I get too stressed out and my mind feels scrambled, I can return to mindfulness simply by calling it up. It benefits me physically and emotionally as well.

But I can't fully meditate. I can assume the position, I can close my eyes and find my mental relaxation image (currently a watersnake cutting a path over the top of a river; sometimes it's a pebble free falling through the water). I can think deeply about things. But I can't let go. I'm terrified to let go.

When I was 17 years old on the last Thursday in March 11 1/2 years ago at about 6:30 pm, I was dressed to go to a Jehovah's Witness meeting. Didn't want to go, but got ready anyway. We were waiting on Dad to come in and get ready. I was in my room. I put my headphones on. I was probably listening to Prince, but I really don't remember that part. I wanted to slip off into my head and think about other things besides this stupid meeting. I remember I layed back on my bed, perpendicular with it, not straight as though for sleeping. My bed ran parallel to the closet. The closet had a curtain over it, as Dad hadn't made the doors for it yet. So I was facing the closet.

I couldn't close my eyes. I would close my eyes to slip off into my head like I'd done billions of times before, and my eyes would snap open wide. I would lay my head back, close my eyes, and immediately startle up, looking at the closet. It felt like the nastiest, scariest beast was right behind the curtain waiting for me to close my eyes so it could grab me. Now, I don't scare easy. The only thing that truly scares me are pedophiles and rampant viruses, the first for my son's sake, the second because I can't personally beat it to death with a bat or something. Back then, none of that scared me.

I was terrified. I told myself it was stupid to feel that way. I got up and looked in the closet (just to make sure :) ) and laid back down. Same thing happened. As soon as I closed my eyes, my skin crawled and my eyes snapped open. It felt like whatever was behind the curtain was breathing or something.

Then Sister burst in. She was 15 years old at the time. I'll never forget the look on her face. I've never seen it since, and I hope she never has cause to feel that way again. Her mouth was moving, but my headphones were still on. I took them off. "What?"

"Daddy's dead!! Daddy's dead!! Oh my god, Joy, what are we going to do? He's killed himself!"

I remember screaming, "You're a liar, stop saying that!" and pushing her aside (sorry, Sister)and running down the stairs, and out the kitchen door to where I somehow knew his body was, and my mother screaming behind me, "Joy, don't, please, God, for my sake, don't go and look, please don't." And I stopped in my tracks. And I felt the world spin, like it was spinning on top of my head, and I saw my sister collapse on the floor, and my mother calling 9-1-1 when it was obviously too late, and both of them weeping up at me, the only one standing at this point.

My life was never the same. Obviously.

Apparently what was behind the curtain was my mother discovering my father's body. She loved him more than she loved any of us. I knew him, I understand why. When she found him, my headphones apparently blocked out her screams, which Sister says she sometimes still hears in her dreams at night. A horrible, piercing, devastating cry. And the headphones drowned out my Sister's wails and the thundering of her feet up the stairs when Mom was desperate to find me.

I was very lucky. My last memory is not of my father's fatal gunshot wound nor my mother's soul screaming off never to return. My last memory is of my father standing in his blue checkered workshirt, smelling like spearmint gum and holding his cup of coffee. It was 7:00 in the morning, I was going in to work on my Spring Break from high school when I could've stayed home. He told me he was proud of me. I told him I liked his shirt and I wanted to borrow it. He laughed and said I could have it. He put his coffee on the table and told me he loved me, and gave me a gigantic hug.

"I love you too, Daddy." I had said and I kissed him and off I went and I never saw him again. But I couldn't have said good-bye any better.






I can't sleep unless the bedroom door is locked. I can't sleep unless I have the wall close to me. Sometimes I sleep on the edge of the bed because I'm subconciously afraid I'll have to spring up out of it. I can't sleep out of doors anymore. I cannot close my eyes and put headphones on. And I can't close my eyes and fully let go to meditate. Something starts to breathe and seethe somewhere in my brain.

That's the Beast that's locked inside my brain. I have no idea how to kill it.

Also, this is going to be the last heavy post I publish in a while. It's good to get it out of my head, but I've got lots to think about. I need a basic return to simplicity right now. And so I'll probably start focusing more on simplicity in everyday life, or even possibly the downright frivolous. If that's boring, I'm sorry. But I've made some big decisions recently, and I need the simplicity to act in the most peaceful, silent and unpretentious way possible.

--Virgil

I Have Been Waiting For Something Like This For Sooo Long!

I was really excited to discover the early stages of a new documentary: Losing My Religion, which I found on VirusHead's blog.

You can view the early trailer here: it's about time, already.

This is a documentary in the works by Stephan McGuire about former Jehovah's Witnesses who are coming into the real world after having been kicked out of the cult. I wish to the high heavens that I had something like this to get hold of when I was first out. I was so afraid and alone. Coming out of the JWs, you have no friends out in the "world". You're taught to shun them. So when everyone in your congregation suddenly starts acting like they can't see you standing right in front of them--well, traumatic doesn't begin to describe it.

I've known former witnesses who've passed out trying to go from the parking lot to the church door. Witnesses are three times more likely to have to be treated for mental illnesses than all other religions. We know all about psychological duress. Those of us who are mentally strong enough to stay out often don't tell people our story. People give you weird looks and think you're probably screwed up in the head for life. Hell, maybe we are.

But they usually end up saying, "Hey, you should write a book about your story." Stephan McGuire finally decided to make a film about his. I think he will be including testimonials in his film. I'd love to share my story, if for no other reason than to bravely declare to myself and the world who cares to watch that I'm through with them and they have no more hold over my life. But I'll support the producer in whatever way I can. And that includes getting out the word.

It's probably obvious how much this means to me, but I'll say it again: THANK YOU Stephan McGuire!

Link him to your blog if you have an interest, or visit his site.


In other news, the very first ever Morgantown Ex-JW Meetup is scheduled to meet Saturday Sept. 9 at 5 pm at the Blue Moose Cafe! Whoo-hoo!! Yours truly is the Organizer (big gulp), and I have no clue what I/we're in for. But I'm sure it'll be fun. Email me if you need directions. Thanks to mad dog for sending somebody my way. Delurk if you want to--if you don't that's fine too. So far we have three members (counting me)! The link is in my sidebar.

I think it's a powerful statement to make just by showing up or supporting it. Plus, there is "trade talk" and whatnot that only we understand, so it's good to have people around you who know what it's like on the inside. I'm considering letting spouses/significant others sit in, as they have to live with us and might as well try to understand where we're coming from. I'm still on the fence about letting JWs who are still in the cult come and sit in though. If they're questioning...maybe. I don't want to turn the group into a debate forum. It wouldn't be fair to the JWs. :D

--Virgil

Dante's Song

When Dante was a baby, there was a song by Trisha Yearwood that he absolutely loved and I'd sing it for him mixed in with those old ballads when I was rocking him to sleep. I probably rocked him until he was three or four. I liked the song, and I normally don't like much that country music has to offer, because it fit our situation at the time. Without Dante, there wouldn't have been the me that I am today. Without him at that particular time in my life, there may have not been a me today either.

I realized when the song came on the radio unexpectedly that I had answered the final fearful question that hung over my head for so long. I didn't like the answer, but I no longer feared the question.

Dante's Song: How Do I Live Without You, by Trisha Yearwood

How do I
Get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be?
Oh I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
Your my world my heart my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you'd take away everything good in my Life.

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?.

Without you
There'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There would be no world left for me
And I
Baby I don't know what I would do
I would be lost if I lost you
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in My life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live?...

Please tell me baby..

How do I go on?
If you ever leave
Well baby you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby don't you know your everything good in My life

And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive?
How do I
How do I
O how do I live

How do I live without you
How do I live without you baby.......
How do I live....


The answer is that you go on living. Life finds a way. You make the most beautiful picture you can out of the pieces you're given at any one moment in time. And sometimes when the radio comes on, you just put your sunglasses on, turn your head, and have yourself one hell of a silent cry.

--Virgil