Your Me-Maw Told Santa About You!

Every year our organization does letters from the big red guy as a fundraiser. It's one of the most successful things we do, especially for the amount of work it takes, which just amounts to data entry and picking out pretty stationary with a giant envelope stuffing session for 1 1/2 to 2 hours (JP, Batmite!, want to do a good deed??). There is always one really old Grandma who orders every year. And every year she has more grandkids to order for! And she'll get you on the phone and ask for more order forms and then count on her fingers how many she needs, making sure to say "Now, wait a minute, there's a new one..." lol. But there are two things about this event that never fail to amuse me each year.

The first is how people don't take the time to write legibly on their stupid order forms. I mean, come on, how hard is it to form your letters correctly? Do you really want Santa to send your little Nicky a letter that says "Dear Nichkoalaus" where you've marked through the name four or five times?? Take the extra thirty seconds. Because when you call me to bitch about the misspelling, I'm going to whip out the copy I made of your order form and watch your reaction when you realize that yes, you really *did* spell it that way. I'm pretty sure "Jestina Carder" is really "Justina Carter", but if you don't return my phone call to clear it up, Merry Christmas to "Jestina." Hmph.

The second is the sheer variety of names grandparents have for themselves. My own grandparents had two sets of names. My stuffy grandparents were "Grandma" and "Papa." My country grandparents were "Mamaw" and "Papaw." Get a load of some of these:

* Hotsie Hotsie. I have no idea why this name exists or how it came about. I don't know if she's an aunt or what. But she sent two letters to kids with this name.

* Boo. This isn't a Halloween letter, it's a Santa letter. This is somebody's Grandad.

* Pap & Nunnie. I think Nunnie is probably a take off of "Nonni," the Italian word for "Grandparents." Nonna is the Grandma and Nonni is the Grandad, and together they're "Nonni." There are lots of Italians here, and have been.

* Pap & Babe. Guess Grandad did alright for himself, eh?

* MeMe. A grandmother who is a bit more cute and sophisticated than Maw Maw.

* Grandma & Poopah. WTF happened to Grandad's name? Did the kid get Papaw mixed up around potty training time? And who the hell let that stick? Of course, my only neice is allowed to call her grandad "G-Daddy", so what do I know? He sounds pimped out, when nothing could be more anti to his personality!

* Grammy Furbee. Sounds like a toy in a WalMart aisle.

* Papau. Looks like somebody wanted to give Grandad some "class."

* Aunt Bethie-Pooh. You're kidding, right? No?

* NanNan & PapPap. Cute in an onomatopoeia kind of way. Sounds like the kind of thing a little baby just learning to talk would say over and over: "nanananananan" or "papapapapapapap." :D

And my personal favorite, a repeat order from "Mammal." I'm pretty sure you pronounce it "Mam-mawl". But it still looks like a warm blooded animal to me.

We'll be all done on Wednesday. And then there will be 570 calls saying "Did the letters mail yet? How about now? Did they go now??" Sigh.

-- Virgil